One Day at a Time, Part I

In March I wrote about the fact that I was taking a program – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Depression. This was the second mental health therapy program I’ve taken since I was released from the hospital. It has been a challenge, to say the least.

I’ve been writing about metamorphosis lately and that’s where I believe I am now. I had a meeting with one of the case workers at the hospital who ran the CBT program and I had to tell her What I Learned and How I’ve Changed. So, being me, a writer, I wrote about it.  I’ll break this down into a few posts over the week because it’s lengthy. I will start here with the background to fill in some of the blanks.

June 23, 2015

The past two years has been a tumultuous journey for me. It has also been a time of many epiphanies. To say ‘it hasn’t been easy,’ is an understatement.

I believe I have always suffered from depression since I was teenager. I was diagnosed when I was 40. I was put on medication (Prozac). I weaned off (with my Doctor’s permission) hoping that I would be able to manage without it, but found myself in that dark abyss of depression again, so agreed to go back on the medication. I was on it for almost 20 years.

Despite the medication I have always suffered some symptoms of depression and low self-esteem and extreme anxiety. After Bob died (June 8, 2013) I started a slow decent, fueled by intense grief and (I learned later) the medication no longer working. Instead it was making me more depressed and I became suicidal. My anxiety was out of control. The slightest little issue sent me into a frenzy. I couldn’t think straight. I felt immobilized by fright.

I was hospitalized in October 2014 after an attempted suicide. Doctors quickly diagnosed the biggest issue,  the medication no longer working and, ironically, this meant it was making me even more depressed. I was admitted to the psychiatric ward and my medication changed under the care of a psychiatrist. I attended classes and through the learning was able to label my anxiety issues. My low self-esteem was also at an all-time high (no pun intended).

I was released from hospital approximately a week later and began an outpatient group therapy– Track to Wellness. This program gave me tools to deal with my depression and anxiety and an overview of other group therapies available at the hospital. I requested and was accepted into CBT for Depression.

After a four-week three-hour activation sessions, followed by eight week, three-hour CBT group therapy sessions, including homework every night detailing everything from how I felt on a scale of 1 to 10 about every single thing I was doing to noting what made me laugh, positive events and many other details, I emerged in a very different place than when I started.

Looking back, I do wonder if part of this is be due to the two-year mark after Bob died. Maybe the worst of my grief passed by calendar days. But it’s more likely a combination of many things, the biggest lesson being to “live in the moment” and exactly what that means. I leave that for my next post.


6 thoughts on “One Day at a Time, Part I

  1. Veronica Leonard June 29, 2015 / 8:26 pm

    Suzanne, except for the last time I saw you when you seemed to be living on a word with a totally different force of gravity than everyone else and the weight of the sky made movement difficult, I’ve always considered you such a “together” “In charge” “Professional Woman” the image you saw in the mirror is not what others saw. We saw someone we could go to for advice, wisdom and leadership. I hope you come to know the Suzanne we know and believe in her as we do.


  2. Suzanne Boles June 29, 2015 / 9:49 pm

    Thank you Veronica, for your extremely kind words. You explain how I felt so eloquently, and capture it perfectly. Honestly, I have always dealt with low self esteem issues. I’m working on that now. Life is a journey but this has has been an extremely challenging one. I hope I can help others with my story. Thanks for being a good friend.


  3. Jen June 29, 2015 / 9:59 pm

    Life has been difficult for you since Bob’s passing. It’s an honor to learn about your journey through these posts.


  4. Doreen Pendgracs June 29, 2015 / 11:00 pm

    Suzanne, I know your writing WILL help others. Keep on doing what you’re doing, and each day will bring more light to your journey. I believe in you. 🙂


  5. Suzanne Boles June 30, 2015 / 10:07 am

    Thanks Jen. You have been an amazing friend to me. I couldn’t have done this without help from my friends.


  6. Suzanne Boles June 30, 2015 / 10:10 am

    Thank you Doreen. I admire your positive outlook through every situation, even adversity. You are a great friend. I feel honored and blessed to have you in my corner cheering me on.

    Liked by 1 person

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